Compress This!
by FantasyTrepie14
Summary: Quistis' overview on her life and the people in it... Just not exactly how you'd expect! There IS Rinoa bashing, but keep in mind there is also Squall bashing, and Selphie bashing, and Irvine bashing...


Compress THIS!!  
  
Life's not fair. You know that, just as well I do. Well, not QUITE as well as I do. My prolonged career as a SeeD was going absolutely nowhere, that is... until I, along with 4 other bozos and the more-annoying-than-hell daughter of Deling's president were sent to destroy some out of whack sorceress from 'compressing time.' Personally, I never saw the real threat anyway. Fine, compress time. See if I give a flying fuck. In my opinion, if you're going to destroy the world, do it the RIGHT way. None of this 'compression' crap. Better yet, blow up the ENTIRE planet and start over! Now THAT'S being evil.  
  
And another thing. This Ultimacea was a complete push over! Not ONLY did she send other sorceress' to do HER dirty work, (Though seeing Rinoa under her spell was well worth it) fighting her was a complete synch! Which leads me to my original point. I was, as I have been since birth, completely screwed over with the entire ordeal! Whose Limit break does the most damage next to Squall's flashy Renzokuken? Oh yeah.. MY Shockwave Pulsar! And while Squall was too busy fixing his hair with Rinoa covering his ass (I really got fed up with the fact that she was automatically the healer JUST because she was so weak) I did ALL the damage, because we were the ONLY ones left after the other useless members of our team were lost into time.  
  
Not like I would have missed them anyway.  
  
So I'm really the one who ended up saving the world. And next to Squall, I was probably the one with the least bit of initiative. 'So, what exactly is it you received for saving the world?' you ask? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! They gave me the shitty title of instructor back, which I hardly missed in the first place! You try spending day after day drilling information into the thick heads of those incompetent students. I am VERY sad to say that one day the fate of the world may depend solely on them. Because Hyne forbid they should get their fingers out of their noses and DO something. I've caught Zell I don't know how many times picking his nose and sticking the prize inside his glove for later. ... They all make me sick.  
  
Squall gets proclaimed 'Savior of the world' while Rinoa is his 'Angel'... (More like spawn of Satan in a blue duster) and for me, the reaction is more along the lines of 'Oh that ex-instructor... Yeah she was there I think.' Ungrateful mongrels. See if I ever save their asses. Hell, I'll be the one to destroy the world next time... And I'll do it the RIGHT way.  
  
I mean, you can't honestly say you believe Squall was the brains behind the entire operation. If so, there obviously was a LOT going on that no one saw! All he ever did was piss and moan (To himself, of course) about how much HIS life sucked, and how HE hated everyone, blah, blah, blah... While the rest of us were trying to sleep, Squall (Who ironically ALWAYS got the bed with the squeakiest springs) would be rolling around in his insomniatic 'I can't sleep because I have no peace of mind' mode. So we (Well, I) finally got sick of this and began locking him out of every hotel we slept in. Hotel room prices, which conveniently were charged by the bed, were atrociously high because of war pending, and I refuse to throw gil around like that.  
  
He deserved it anyway. The bastard.  
  
So back to what I was saying before. Squall, the self-induced dickhead never had a brilliant idea over the entire duration of our anti-compression days. And neither did his girlfriend, Ms. Hump-Me. Rinoa was too busy drooling over Squall to Un-petrify or Un-poison me during ANY random battle. For your own safety, I hope you never-EVER have to be in a party with those two. Rinoa was (and still is) all, "Oh Squall, you meanie!" (Translation: "I love it when you're rough!") and "Oh Squall, don't be so insensitive!" (Translation again: "You know that's not where I like to be touched!")  
  
Now THAT was disturbing sexual innuendo to have to listen to day in and day out.  
  
Of course the first person you think of when hearing the word sex would have to be Irvine. He was the kind of player who made it seem like him being pussy-whipped was as unlikely as getting himself castrated. But contrary to popular belief, I-as well as the other two women-had him wrapped around my finger. He was so hell-bent on getting me in the sack that with a mere snap of my fingers, I could have my boots shined, dress ironed, chain whip wiped down until it gleamed, breakfast bars placed on a silver platter (I ONLY eat the strawberry filled ones) and have my underwear folded and arranged by name brand and color if I so chose. Irvine would just sit around (Like everyone else), stroke his gun barrel and give me these 'looks'. Ugh. That was one hell of a barf inducer. A man whose hair is longer than mine is not exactly my idea of a turn on.  
  
I've always hated cowboys anyway.  
  
Fortunately enough for Irvine, there was one girl who would bend to his will like a rubber band. And that of course, was Selphie. Rinoa was too infatuated with Squall to give him a second glance, while I was just too intelligent to. ("Oh come on Quisty, quit playing hard to get!") ...That fucker. I can clearly remember Irvine trying (Very poorly) to conceal the fact that he was also sharing a bed with Zell. Personally-and I don't know about you-but after observing Irvine's long hair, tight PURPLE vest, habit for saying the word 'like' between every sentence, and the fact he always flails his wrists around... I myself, was not that shocked. And in regard to Zell, well, everyone already knew that one. It was like he had come out of the closet months ago! I guess Irvine just likes the worst of both worlds.  
  
Selphie, on the other hand, desperately tried fooling herself into believing Irvine thought she was special. Or loved her. Or some bullshit concept like that. Though I'm sure there were choice parts about Selphie he DID love, (I.E.- Her hands, mouth, breasts and womanhood) he most certainly did not love her. Who could? The girl friggin' acts like she's on Speed all the time. Bouncing off of walls, chanting "Booyaka!" and bolting the Ragnarok at deadly speeds. I've come far too many times to being in an air wreck because of that stupid girl. And not to mention, she wears YELLOW every-single-day! Yeah, I'm a fucking-happy-ray-of-sunshine too! .Almost.  
  
But it's not like my opinion ever mattered anyway.  
  
Every day, it was "Quisty smile!" or, "Quisty be happy!" Apparently she failed to notice that SHE was the reason I was so GODDAMN miserable all the time! Her and that damn pet name they decided for me. How come I, the least popular of the bunch had to be about the ONLY one with a stupid nickname? Hyne knows when the hell that started. All thanks to being in that damned orphanage. As if I asked to be a parentless child. I would have been much better off on my own than growing up with the likes of them. Matron did treat me decently, but she was the only one who had less than 10 screws loose.  
  
I would have much preferred spending my time reading a good book than being forced to play "Pirates" with Zell and Seifer (Who never had to argue about who played who. Seifer always loved being the villain, after all) or "House" with Selphie who served me tea (Actually it was mucky water from the nearby river). When I was five, I began reading "War and Peace", excellent book by the way, but the problem was, that instead of finishing it in the estimated 3 days I set for myself, it ended up taking 3 WEEKS thanks to all of them! I would find one peaceful moment alone, and then I hear, "QUISTY!!!" coming out of Selphie's high pitched annoying voice. You try reading under such circumstances.  
  
At least Squall left me alone. He always sat in the corner crying about 'Sis.' I've always known that was his problem from the start. Getting TOO attached, especially at such a young age to a woman he hardly knew. Stupid, stupid boy...  
  
And to top it all off, I get sent to the same school as two of them, only to be reunited with the OTHER two later on! Just when I thought I had escaped them too. The cycle never ends, I tell you. Thankfully I never recognized them at first or I would have been even MORE traumatized than I am now. Imagine that.  
  
So not only did I have to face the demons of my childhood, I also had to save the world. With them all on my back, not to mention. I'm just about fed up with Squall always looking to ME whenever a decision had to be made. You're the fucking commander genius, not me! I wouldn't have minded one bit if he got us all killed anyway. But noooooo, in every situation I had to be the one to come up with some complicated and elaborate plan to get us out. Like in that missile base with Rinoa and Irvine. I'm sure you can see how that must have been for me. While Rinoa was crying that she might never get to proclaim her love for Squall, Irvine was trying to 'console' her... I'm sure you catch my drift. At least that took his attention off of me for a little while. And after all my hard work of getting us out of there, our welcoming party tried to blow us into pieces. Talk about gratitude.  
  
Now, I know I very well could have gotten rid of Rinoa for good, had it not been for that filthy little thing I like to call a conscience. Rinoa was locked away in the Sorceress Memorial, and I know that Squall would have left her there, had it not been for my... 'encouragement' to release her. Don't lose faith though, because of course I did find some personal gain in it all. Now before you give me too much credit and label me a goody-two shoes, allow me to reiterate. Or better yet, explain this in an easy to follow equation.  
  
Rinoa + Trepies = Having all of them off of my back!  
  
As ludicrous as it may sound, my plan did prove successful. After all was said and done, my 'loyal' following of students who knew more about me than I did, (Talk about creepy) went onto their next victim-err, prey-I mean, idol of worship. So now I don't have slobbery men and women (No, I'm not that way!) calculating my every move. They view Miss Heartilly as fresh meat I suppose. And no, just because she is 'with' Squall (If you can call that much of a relationship) that doesn't stop them from hounding her wherever she goes. Remember, they had even LESS of a chance with me, and I was single.  
  
And that's pretty much the only satisfactory thing I got out of all of that. Though I still get random sex invites from Irvine slid under the door to my dorm once in a while, and Rinoa is ALWAYS coming to me for help on some exam, (Which is just an excuse because after 5 minutes she begins crying about something being 'wrong' with Squall. He's a dense man... Get over it) And then there's Selphie, who still insists on breathing. And there's always Zell, who as of late, has found some disturbing fascination with my weapons -The chain whip, of all- and no matter WHAT I do, it always appears missing. The CHAIN whip... The words 'kinky' and 'cowboy' come to mind, but I won't say anything else regarding that topic.  
  
They say that life is 10 percent of what happens to you, and 90 percent of how you react to it. And I do agree with that statement, to some extent. Except the 90 percent should be replaced with the PEOPLE that happen to you. The one and only reason my life has been this roller coaster ride of pain is because of them. ALL of them! It's shameful that there are no humans alive who can come close to matching my intelligence. I still have yet to find one person with whom I can share a decent conversation with that transcends beyond, "Hey, you're that hot instructor!"  
  
Now do you understand my pain?  
  
Well no, you never will. Until YOU get stuck spending a wretched lifetime with a set of incapable ignoramuses. After spending hours in Chocobo Forests, watching Squall lose horribly at Triple Triad (While cursing that he HAD to give one card to create another.. I never really understood that) AND rummaging in the sewers under Deling city for hours because Selphie and Zell can't navigate. At all! "Ohh look! A puddle!" Selphie'd exclaim and jump right in the middle of it. Splashing ME with sewage. Another one of her acts that completely disgusted me. Well that, and when she summoned Eden against me just to show how high their compatibility rate was. Ironically enough, I'm relieved that Irvine was around, seeing as how he was so distraught over my being knocked out, he brought me back with Full- Life. (I'm the one that found that draw point, by the way.)  
  
At least Headmaster Cid tried to understand my pain. He voluntarily came to speak with me, trying to hold an intelligent conversation. But I'm pretty sure he got offended when I explained to him the current battle position, what was wrong with it, how it should be changed, and also how beneficial these changes would prove. And every time he would tell me how silly I was. Even though the next morning announcements were made describing the new plan of action (Which always sounded relatively close - If not EXACT-to what I had explained to the Headmaster the day before) And then he goes and makes Squall Commander! Explain THAT one. It's clear as day that Squall couldn't make one move unless he had someone in the background (Namely Rinoa) shouting "Go Squall! You're not as dumb-assed and lonely as you think you are! You're hot!"  
  
...She really does say that.  
  
Eventually Headmaster Cid will croak, (Believe me, he is as old as he looks) and Squall of course will hardly be willing to take over that pathetic excuse for a military school. This of course will leave the title to yours truly. Not like I'm waiting in line or anything... I have a perfectly decent job as an instructor. Maybe if I tell Rinoa that getting an actual relevant role in society will impress Squall. Then she'll take my position.  
  
So, on that happy note, my future is indeed looking up for me. I'll take over the garden, demote everyone who has every pissed me off in my entire life, hire people to the staff who actually HAVE half a brain, and take it upon myself to solve this little problem I like to call... Life. Life, which has screwed me over so many times I have involuntarily become the biggest slut on this side of the pathetic planet.  
  
And there you have it. The point to all of this was to show you just how horrible your life can be if you get stuck with the wrong people. And if the people where you happen to live hold any remote semblance to the people plaguing my existence, then you're in for a shit load of dumb luck and jinxes. Not to mention ignorance, incompetence, indifference, and any other negative word beginning with an "I" that you could possibly conjure up. So, take it from me. if it seems like you are the only sane one around. That's because you are.  
  
****  
  
A/N- So, how was that for a 'refreshing' change? ^_^ If anyone has any other characters or 'incidents' that occur in the game that they would like to hear Quistis criticize, you are more than welcome to make suggestions and I'd love to add them in! ^_^ 


End file.
